Day 10

- Had uncle Henry and Dad over for egg breakfast
- Went to Barrie for Dave's Aunt's birthday lunch

Day 9

Went to an all-day yoga retreat with 10 other women:
- Green drink
- guided meditation
- silent walk
- yoga
- hot tub

DAY 8

- Taking care of my sick children.
- Green drink
- Played 'Tea" with my kids
- Meditation
- Massage

DAY SEVEN

** Zero sleep the night before. Bad symptoms.

- Took care of sick child and husband (Spent all day with son helping him barf, laying with him, loving him)
- 2 Green Drinks
-That's all I could muster today.

DAY SIX

- Morning walk with friend.
- Meditation for 20 minutes, practicing this new way of feeling:
http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/overcome-depression.html
- Mediation X2 -- Heart Meditation -- I AM LOVE
- Went for a run (first time in 5 months, short but did it.)
- Went out for a girls night out
- Cooked Dinner for family
- Epsom Salts Bath
- Played game with Cooper

DAY FIVE

- Screamed
- Stretched
- OM'd (very loudly)
- Did Release work (Made great progress and enjoyed a good afternoon/evening!!!)
- Blogged
- Cooked dinner
- Watched TV with husband.
- Made Love
- Two green drinks

- Some Self help work (create a program to help others)

A Discovery!

I was sitting on the couch and the pain was getting worse and worse, when I thought to myself.  don't just sit and let it stagnate.  Get up and MOVE it out.   So I went into the garage and screamed at the top of my lungs, I came back inside and stretched and jiggled and told myself to let it out.   It felt better for a few minutes after that.  It came back, but this has to be somewhat of a discovery. 

Don't STAGNATE in any way: your body, mind, or spirit.   MOVE it OUT if it feels bad.   Don't keep it IN.   Get it out by any means you can -- and this happens through emotions, movement, talking, exercise, stretching, crying, screaming, laughing, anything that excretes things and moves them OUT.   Don't hide it, suppress it, manage it, deny it.   GET IT OUT!

This could be a key, I just have to find a way to do this constantly, as it's not possible to scream, cry, run all day long, especially when with the kids.  Maybe I feel like I can't express it around my kids and have to PRETEND that all is well, thereby letting it BUILD inside me with no way to get it out.   But maybe there is ANOTHER way when WITH people and my kids that I can move things OUT, instead of letting them build.   FIND IT.

MY DISCOVERY IS THIS:  

PHYSICAL - When it's physical, clear it out physically by movement, running, stretching, massage, yelling, breathing, shitting, burping, dancing, singing, sweating, anything that is physical that works for that moment, depending on where it is.   Try breathing and telling your body that you have received the message and can stop sending it now:   http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Physical-Pain-With-Your-Mind

EMTIONAL - When it's emotional, get it out emotionally by crying, screaming, laughing, talking, feeling it out somehow, whatever you can manage in the moment.  Try this meditation technique to feel it in your body and release it:  http://life.gaiam.com/article/deepak-chopras-7-step-exercise-release-emotional-turbulence.  Try feeling it and TAPPING it away, but focusing on it and releasing it with tapping.  

MENTAL - When it's mental, get it out mentally by talking, writing/journaling, saying "release" to yourself, shaking your head, replacing with positive truth, meditating, funny and happy music, thoughts, and movies.   Try seeing it in 3rd person:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201309/simple-mind-trick-reduces-emotional-pain.   Try forgiving yourself for your part in this and tell yourself you choose to release it now.    Ask yourself what exactly hurts.  Ask yourself what you need to release it.

ALL -- And when it's ALL OF THE ABOVE or you can't quite tell which one it is, then just move.  Try releasing and getting it out by doing something from ALL three categories,  physical release, emotional release, or mental release until it eases.

***LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.   And when you are feeling good or better, invite more of that in by opening yourself up to it.   Sit with the good.

But don't SIT with the bad -- GET IT OUT, every time, however you can, don't let it BUILD, and then MOVE FORWARD with your life.  Just live!  LIFE IS GOOD.  It is meant to enjoy, but whenever you feel the pain, touch where it is.  Decide quickly whether it's emotional, physical, or mental and then GET IT OUT.   It's just blocked energy and pain that needs to be released.  So RELEASE it.   Don't let it build.   Get it out.

 

Feeling My Way Through -- Emotions

Since I need to be able to feel again, I think it's important to not only DO but FEEL.  
I think I need to add that I should Laugh, cry, scream, and love everyday --- even forcing the above emotions as a way to let them escape and building a muscle to feel them again.    

DAY FOUR

- Walk
- Subliminal Life Videos
- (I fell down and talked about it/focused, but am getting back up and redirecting my mind)
- Writing (Structure for script)
- Skating with son and family
- Out for dinner with family
- Meditation
- Sauna
- Green Drink x2
- Oil Pulling
- Sex with Husband

DAY TWO and THREE - Weekend in St. Thomas

Today's Mantra -- I trust the wisdom of my body.  It is healing every cell.

-Meditation
-Epsom Salts Bath X2
-Off to enjoy a lovely family weekend in St. Thomas with a focus on love and fun.
- Outside walks
- Maple Syrup Farm with family
- Blog for kids
- Family dinners

DAY ONE

Since I had no schedule in place, today was a free-for-all, and I did as many of the things as I could.  

This is what I did today:

- HAD MY GREEN DRINKS (2 per day)
- YOGA
- MEDITATION
- WENT GROCERY SHOPPING.  
- WENT TO EARLY YEARS PLAYGROUP WITH DAUGHTER
- WALKED AROUND RUNNING TRACK WITH DAD
- READ A CHAPTER OF A BOOK
- HAD A SAUNA
- PICKED COOPER UP FROM SCHOOL
- BAKED WITH COOPER -- GRANOLA BARS, MADE PIZZA'S FOR DINNER
- WENT TO GRANDPA'S FOR DINNER  (BROUGHT FOOD WE MADE FOR GRANDPA.  BROUGHT SOME TO NANA FOR WEEKEND)
- MADE LOVE WITH HUSBAND
- IN BED BY 9:30

DAILY GOALS to heal my life

Okay, so I've got a list of things I will do every day.  Not only will these keep me BUSY, they contribute to good mind, body, and soul.   So, as of yet, in no particular order.    

-Blog here.  And for my kids every day.
-Cook or bake something everyday.   Share with others when I make batch.
-Do yoga everyday.
- Meditate everyday.
- One social thing per day.  (this means being with another person outside the house)
- Write a screenplay.  Finish the one I currently have in progress.
- Sell Everlie and Cooper's old clothes.  (Goal to make $1000)
- Talk to a friend everyday
- Family outings every weekend.
- Walk every day
- Do one special thing with each child per day
- Hug/kiss or make love to Dave everyday.
- Read 1 book
- Host a playdate
- Host a moms night in
-Host a couples night in.
- Join a class
- Have a date night with Dave
- Drink a green drink every day.
- Read to kids every day.
- Sauna  or bath every day.
-Do one NEW thing a day.
-Help someone or do something kind for someone each day

Next I will make a calendar of how to fit this all in.   I also need a way to keep myself ACCOUNTABLE so I will think on that too.

All I want is to heal my life and my health and come back from the brink of death to life.   The above things are not random.  Each one relates to BODY, MIND, or SOUL.   They are the only way I can think of to heal my body, get myself living with purpose, and focus on love.  

I love my family more than anything in the world.   And am trying everything I can think of.

Just Start

Normally, I need a PLAN for everything.  And I do think I need a plan for this too.   But when you are starting with no motivation or even knowledge of what you want, you need to JUMP in somewhere and DO something.   You need categories of your life that you want to radically change and improve and you need to just pick one and GO FOR IT.  You can change you can make your plan tomorrow.   It's important to START somewhere and to formulate it as you go along.                 So the first thing is to NOT accept roadblocks and the second this is to not fall back into your old habits because "It's too hard"  or "It's not working".   MOVE FORWARD

Overhauling My WHOLE life

Let's be honest.   Given that I'm at rock bottom, and have been for 5 months, it may take the whole year to actually really turn my life around.  BUT.  I'm going to attempt to change my whole life in the next 30 days, so that I go from someone I am now, to the person that I WANT to be.   The way I want to feel, the way I want to be, the beginnings of the most amazing new life I can imagine.   And it starts today.   Because I CAN'T wait.     So where do I start?  With this blog.   How do I make RADICAL changes that improve my life to the point of being a totally different person 30 days from now?    I'm not sure, but I'm about to jump in and find out.